Mephobia
by AuchMel
Summary: Gilbert just wants to protect the world, he's been doing it for 6 years. Everyone -except himself of course- thinks he's far too gone to save, though a new student by the name of Roderich Edelstein thinks its just about time he stops hiding, much to the panic of the prussian boy 'How the hell will I keep everyone alive with this prick trying to kill 'em' PruAus


**A/N: WELCOME! So in this fic it'll only be the first chapter that will be in first person. I'm just not good at continuing it like that and this is just a starter up anyway.  
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><p>My name his Roderich Edelstein and I just moved in.<p>

A few days ago my mother had told me that we were going to move again due to her new job. Quite a taxing thing to do if you asked me, maybe some people would find it exciting to move to a new place from time to time, see new things and meet new people and what not, but not me. I grow tired of such things, for you see, I've always been moving around with my mother for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I could recall sitting in the back of an old SUV, cramped in between boxes and boxes of things I don't even remember us owning, and thinking unhappily about the many friends I've left behind just because of another of my mother's jobs. Years of always moving from place to place has left me quite numb to any mention of a 'new' city to see, I've probably already been there already, might as well have covered the whole country. Guinness better have an entry for most places moved to because if I'm going to do this for my whole life I expect some sort of upside to all this nonsense.

But you know, I don't think my mother is doing all this just for her job. She was a freelance agent and it would be understandable to most that she'd have to move constantly, and I know that _everyone _will believe her when she says so. Me on the other hand? I can see right past her excuses, she's my mother after all, there's no secret she hasn't uttered that I don't know already, I know why she moves and that would be to get away from my father. I don't remember much of their divorce, mainly because I don't want to, but I know that my mother couldn't stand any trace of my father so it must have been painful. Almost immediately he became the taboo between us, almost like a curse hung over our heads that choke and take away what used to be our lives, it's been a rule my mother had made up when she first took me away, telling me that the man that loved and helped me grow was a stranger that could have ruined my childhood if I stayed.

I barely know my father, but I know my _dad_. It's hard to explain but did you ever have this one memory that you didn't really think much of up to the point where you can't even make any clear images of it? Just blurred pictures in your mind yet there's this feeling, so intense and strong that it could turn your whole body cold, good or bad it's the only thing that's so vivid in that unknown memory that you can't forget it despite it's permanent fade in your mind. _That's _how I got to know my dad. I remember feeling happy, just purely happy for once, when I see that faded figure walking towards me with what I think is a smile. It was so warm, loving and welcoming that I could hear my own clear laughter in that memory. The figure would lift me up and spin me around in a playful manner then hold me close that I could feel and hear the beating heart that felt so familiar to my own, and I could even catch a scent of pine and sweat, though that part didn't bother me. That's my memory. It was always so bright and fulfilling that I couldn't believe anything my mother would tell me about this stranger that I called my father. She always described him as this distant man. Always silent and uncaring, so much of a contrast to that figure in my memory, humming a tune so lovingly that it was like feeding marshmallows to your ears. How can that statue of a man be that father I knew? it wasn't even close.

I wanted to know so badly why they took their separate ways, but every time I bring up the subject my mother would always act like she didn't hear the question then say something out of topic and in my interest to keep it out of the way. I had the right to know, I'm not a child anymore, I need a reason for constant changes in my environment, else I may not grow up right. Speaking of moving, I always made it a point to not get attached to anyone, the last ten moves have taught the younger me that the hard way, I just wouldn't learn. I was always hoping that when we get settled down that 'this is the place, this is our home' and in response to that I'd go out to make friends with the neighbors and eventually form a bond. Bad decision. One thing finally made me learn my lesson about bonds, I felt absolutely shattered, to this day there's still a heavy weight in my chest that can't be lightened. It wasn't a long time ago when I gained a very close friend, we met when I was just taking a stroll down the village I just moved into when I was suddenly shot in the abdomen with a paint ball. Of course I doubled over and shut my eyes from the pain when I heard hurried steps running towards me, there were some apologies said and a helping hand offered, that's when I met Vash.

It was a little shaky between us at first because I may have gained a disliking for him and or have said a few rude words about his _stupid _gun since he shot me, and yes I knew it was by accident but you don't just make a paintball field in the middle of a widely inhabited village, that is inexcusable! Who would do that?! Vash would of course. So started our silent war that lasted for weeks. Then one day I stumbled upon Vash's paint ball gun in the middle of the street, it surprised me since he loved that gun and would always hold onto it as if it were his life itself, why was it out here? Despite the inner spite in me saying that I should get rid of the atrocious thing, I instead went searching for my soon to be best friend. I didn't find him but I what I did find was a little girl who, to my shock and worry, was being surrounded by this group of people I couldn't recognize. They all looked pretty intimidating and they were staring at her with these predatory eyes. I could see she was scared but she kept this straight face that reminded me so much of Vash. The next part was a blur but I remember running towards the group, shouting my lungs off, as I blindly pulled the trigger on Vash's gun. I may or may not have rammed into the wall, but the girl was safe and that was good enough for me.

She revealed herself as Vash's sister Lily after she helped me with my broken nose, well it didn't really surprise me since she had a sort of resemblance to him, maybe a twin? Except that her eyes were softer and open unlike her brother's. Vash found both of us eventually, he hugged his sister shakily then thanked me for finding/protecting her. I awkwardly replied a 'you're welcome' and remembered to give his gun back. Just as I was handing it over, as though the universe hated me, my finger that was still on the trigger twitched and I shot Vash on the head. I thought he was going to seriously hurt me after that but all he did was stare at me then laugh saying that I was 'good to go for a headshot' and I think you know what happened next.

But our friendship didn't last long enough to withstand obstacles. We had a fight and it ended badly, both of us just stormed away without another word, leaving all the hurt and betrayal standing firm between us. We didn't speak for days, even with Lily's pleading trying to get us back together, we both just couldn't find it in our hearts to ever forgive each other. Then it happened. My mother found a new job in the city and she packed everything while I was in school. I was surprised when I came home to find the house empty, I was about to call the police and report a robbery when my mother dragged me to the SUV and told me about the move. Shock took my entire being as the truck rolled by us before we followed behind. My mind shouted about something important, alarms went off everywhere, but the rest of me didn't catch up until I saw Vash's hateful glare along with Lily's sorrowful gaze in the back as our car passed his home. I couldn't apologize…

I never made the same mistake again, promised. When I meet people they're only acquaintances now, it'll be easier to leave them that way. No history, bad blood or friendship, just a face. They wouldn't care if I was gone and same goes for me, I had that going for a while now and I was perfectly happy. That is until today. I've forgotten to say a crucial detail in this particular move because it's not our usual city hop one. My mother's job was to take place in another country.

It was a terrifying experience for me. My whole life I've been forced to leave behind cities and places I've come to like, now my mother is asking me to leave the whole country, I didn't fit well with me and I had a small disagreement with her. I even had enough courage to tell her that moving constantly was becoming a problem and we shouldn't always be doing it, especially now at such a large scale like this. Another small personal matter I want to add is my education, because of this problem I can't seem to always have a stable education, I had to repeat fifth grade twice because of a 'sudden move' and I really didn't enjoy the experience. I had to study my brains out just to catch up to everyone else in my generation, moving to another country will not help me in the slightest. Eventually I had to be homeschooled after years of frustration. This time though, my mother intends to send me back to school.

I don't even know what American schools are like, yes we moved to America because who doesn't love that country-hint my sarcasm- are they supposed to have this 'freedom' that America claims to have, are people there more free than in any other schools? Am I supposed to do something to earn the right of freedom? I honestly do not want to find out for myself, why can't I still be homeschooled? I didn't see anything wrong with that, I can gain knowledge while still being in the comfort of my own home, I don't need the drama and stress of having a 'social life' I can do well without the tears and mediocre sitcom performances. Was it really that bad to be happily alone?

So here I am, sitting in the room of a house a little ways from where my new school was supposed to be according to my mother, reminiscing about my whole life- if I can still call it that- up to this point. I've accepted the fact that no place is permanent, even now in a new country, sooner or later my mother will find an excuse to move again and as always I'll have no say then later find myself in between piles of boxes in the back of a car. I wonder though if this school will be like those in my home country, I wish it would be, I don't know how to move around an environment I don't know, especially when it entails avoiding relationships.

I don't want to think of it too much but it's still a cause for concern, really, I don't want to know anyone but I also don't want to have to act cold and condescending, shoo them away with a few biting words sure but just not that. I sighed unhappily and leaned against the plain white wall behind me as my hearing directed itself towards the sounds of the movers bringing in some of our furniture, I wish they would bring in my piano already, maybe Chopin will help ease my worries.

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><p>My name is Gilbert Beilschmidt and I'm awesome.<p>

But..don't tell anyone that okay? It wouldn't be awesome, not at all, you'd be making a huge mistake y'know? I'm only trying to keep everyone safe so if its cool with you don't tell anyone I'm awesome. It's not a joke fyi, lots of people can't stand just how awesome I am, I mean I could tell you truthfully that if anyone was exposed to my awesomeness that pours out of me like a motherfucking waterfall they'd probably…I'm not even gonna say it I think you know what happens. I know how incredibly , unbelievably awesome I am, trust me I don't miss a day telling myself that, but the world just isn't ready for it, maybe in a few years I-don't-know-fucking-when but someday I could share my awesomeness again but right now? I'd love to stick that fact into everyone's faces but I'm not gonna be labeled a murderer because of it, that's unawesome.

Also, I have this phobia, if you didn't guess the obvious I'm Mephobic. No one outside my family knows that though, they just think I'm depressed which is a huge fucking _nah!_ Like _I _could get depressed? The awesome me isn't some emo! Plus I'm pretty sure anyone who finds out will be nothing but a complete dick to me, people are like that, they find out what terrifies you the most and BAM! You're celebrating your birthday with a heart attack and I don't do heart attacks. Besides, who'd want to know about that mute- selectively mute mind you- kid who always avoids any form of human contact? Maybe that sicko Ivan but no one else is interested so why bother? I'm not about to let some person drop dead in front of me just cause I talked to them.

Well, maybe Elizaveta, I've known the psycho since we were practically babies. She was a lot less fucked up than she is now, plus she wasn't such a _girl_, but I made sure not to get her woman germs all up in my awesome space anymore, she might _think _that she's safe from my death ray of awesome but no one's safe from it, not even a crazy psycho bitch. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that she's a crazy psycho bitch! Damn woman nearly killed me with a _frying pan _just cause I didn't want to remove my shades in class! What the fuck Liz?! I mean she's supposed to be used to it! I've been wearing the same damn thing since fifth grade! What made it so different? Like hell I know, ugh _women_….

…Actually scratch that, ugh _Elizaveta _

Still I'm surprised with how persistent she is, awww did she miss my awesome that much? Too bad though Liz, I'm not gonna let you bask in it just yet.

Oh! That reminds me! Apparently my awesome doesn't affect a few things, animals for some reason don't instantly become roadkill if I even so much as look at them without my shades. I have proof of that too! I have this little chick named Gilbird, I don't know when he actually came in but one night when I was sleeping I heard a weird chirp sound and surprise surprise, there was this fluffy yellow chick on my chest staring at me with its cute little button eyes. I didn't panic or whatever, I just sort of jumped a bit and swore a lot while I was trying to look for my hoodie. I was sure that chick was gonna be decaying soon, I mean I just _looked _at it with my awesome _eyes_! And I shit you not but I almost choked because nothing, _absolutely nothing,_ happened, Gilbird just flew up to my shoulder- no I definitely _didn't _flinch!- and started pecking at my hair. It took a while for me to register the fact that this chick wasn't decaying or some shit like that, I couldn't believe it and the persistent chirping made it clear.

So I spent my time looking at the fluffball in my hands for the rest of the night, Gilbird didn't appreciate the fact that I just kept trying to stare at him for long periods of time, but when it hit me that animals weren't affected by my awesome I decided that I'd want to have Gilbird with me for as long as it's able. Vati and Mutti were okay with it, I heard them saying something about it helping me out of my so called 'depression', I don't regret a thing! Gilbird's the most awesomest pet I've ever had, like shit if Ludwig thinks his stupid dogs are cool, Gilbird can totes take them cause I'm pretty sure the little guy absorbed some of _my _awesome which is a weapon of mass destruction itself! But since that theory of mine could be true I don't let Gilbird wander too far from me, if he really does have some of my awesome I have to make sure he doesn't start causing trouble for the both of us. I know it won't be as bad though cause Gilbird only _absorbed _it while I was _born _with it, the most harm he could do if he let the awesome out is knock someone into a coma.

So far the little guy's been good at containing the awesome. Mutti found and picked him up once and she's thankfully _not_ in a coma so that means Gilbird's better at this control thing than I am. For the most part though, I don't let Gilbird wander too far from me but it helps that the fluffball doesn't like being separated from me for long, see even Gilbird knows I'm totes lord awesome that should be praised! But I wouldn't blame anyone if they didn't know I was awesome lord though, technically only Gilbird knows and I'm cool with that, lets me have at least one living thing I can't damage.

Could you imagine though? If one day- as much as this is a total mouth fuck to say it- a _little really __**really small **_ part of my awesome was to somehow disappear and it was safe for the world? I'd be gliding in from a fucking jet plane like a badass and jump off it _without _a parachute while diffusing a bomb! Just think of everyone's faces when they look up and go 'Hey isn't that the weird mute kid?!' And they'd be SO shocked that their jaws practically hit the floor. Then after I finish diffusing the bomb that could've destroyed half the planet, I punch an incoming meteorite the fuck outta there just BEFORE it hits earth, then I awesomely go for a nose dive and hit the ground BUT my awesome would be **immensely**- but safely- _**fan-motherfucking kiss your ass cause god just came-tastic**_that it made a force field around me to keep me unscathed so there'd be this huge ass hole on the ground. By this time everyone probably think I died or some shit BUT NO! I'd jump the fuck out of there, shower them in the glow of my awesome, and they'd be tripping all over each other just to try and get to me. They'll be writing novels, poems, odes, epics, _legends, absolutely __**everything **_dedicated to the awesome me. And movies because fuck yeah movies!

Just saying though but none of those will _**ever **_be able to capture the sweet sweet essence of my awesome in all its true form, not even a picture can do it!

Man, I really shouldn't daydream so much about those kinds of things. I'm almost tempted to let the awesome out right now, but I'm looking out a window and there's people outside, I shouldn't, so I just sighed through the bandana covering my mouth. Gilbird was across from me on the couch and the little guy just wouldn't stop bringing over seeds for some reason, whatever its probably a bird thing, but after hearing my sigh he stops and chirps at me, looking at me with those button eyes of his. Ah fuck, I've always been a sucker for cute things and Gilbird was definitely cute, _awesomely cute_, and don't start being an asswipe after knowing I like cute things, whatever black and white world you live in I don't give a flying butt hump about cause I'm still manly as all hell, what's not manly is calling someone a pussy just for thinking something's cute, I'm human too! Maybe the most awesomest human alive but I _feel _things, its not just a girl thing to find something cute, I mean girls are cute right? Us guys think girls are cute sometimes so why not my awesome yellow chick?

"..g-ilbird" Damn it…My voice cracked a bit when I spoke to call the fluffball over, it happens when you spend six years without it. Still, it sucks to hear it that way though and I'm pretty sure I whispered it more than said it, fortunately for me Gilbird's pretty much used to my lame ass whispers and hopped over to my left hand which was opened up for him. I looked over to the window and decided that I've had just about enough of the outside and closed the curtains. Once the little guy was settled on my palm I lifted him up to eye level and let him fly to the top of my head after I let my hood down, I could feel his little bird feet tickling my scalp but something about that just gave me a bit of comfort. I'm not worried about anyone walking in on me while my awesome hair was exposed, Mutti and Vati were visiting Ludwig in his apartment which was a long way from here, they won't be back until later plus Gilbird liked to doze off in my hair, who wouldn't?! It's cool as hell!

But I'm gonna miss having these kinds of moments with Gilbird cause tomorrow's the day school starts up again, fuuuuuuuuuck iiiiiiiiiit, I don't want to go! Even if Gilbird decided to follow me out one day I won't be able to play around with the little guy, if he tried to get to my hair I'll have to keep it off limits from him until we're back home and in my room, little guy just can't understand that my classmates aren't ready for the intense glow of my awesome. Plus first day of school means Mutti will probably try to talk to me about depression again, I'm not depressed damn it! Why can't anyone get that?! I'm _trying _to protect you guys! I definitely saw the new clothes in my room which proves it, T-shirts and shorts, a _lot _of them. Thankfully Vatti didn't decide to throw out all my hoodies and bandanas again, they were still in my closet but really far behind all my T-shirts, I love them and all but until they understand why I'm being like this I am **not **afraid to throw a man fit- a very _manly _form of a bitch fit- in order to keep them alive and happy.

Why won't anyone understand it though? I'm trying so hard here only to have people talk behind my back and think of me like I'm some sort of poor soul that needs saving, I won't even elaborate on the number of times I've been sent to the guidance office. I just want to protect them, was that too much to ask?

Tomorrow'll probably tell me, but for now I think I'm good with spending the rest of my freedom with Gilbird.

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><p><strong>AN: Stopping point for 1****st**** person POV. I don't know when I'll update next cause I still need to write up for another fic of mine so this starter up will have to do.**


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